Monday, March 27, 2006

Hostel, Hospitals and Gastrentitis Acuta

Living in the SR is quite an experience, accented by colorful accents, spiced with local folk and flavored mostly by dried meats and numerous varieties of sausage. One of the more educational and enriching aspects of my little adventure is having the chance to have to defend and diplomatically justify one of our great country's pinnacles of culture-the movie Hostel.

I havent seen it yet, but I know what its about because I've been to a Slovak hospitial (more on that later). It's caused quite a stir among the locals but don't be worried- nobody's going to be torching embassies over it. Though there is going to be a good amount of frowning and shaking of heads going on...not because of the movie but because they've raised the price of salami. No, Hostel only really motivated my slovak teacher take vengence on the evil America. To bring the force of her being to smite the foes of Slovakism-She made me read a review of the godforsaken movie in slovak.

Now I assure you. The fact that the slovak language has seven different lingusitic cases depending on whether you are in a building or riding a donkey, talking to a friend or just chatting to certified slovak dentist or a jizz-mopper, and whether it is before or after the ritual ingestion of grain alcohol makes the process of reading and discussing the topic utter torture. I struggled with the text, mumbling words I couldnt prounounce, getting my tongue stuck in my throat and having my pen explode in my nervous hands. I got through it.

At the end of the 93 minutes of reading, she faced me with the most feared of all 13 of the questions a Slovak will ask an American---"Why don't Americans know anything about Slovakia?"
I had heard this one before. I don't really know how to answer it without saying something offensive ( I mean you can't say "because there havent been any wars here," or "because you havent hosted the olympics yet" or "because we havent bombed your ass yet," although maybe I should start saying something like that, those are good answers) I did something a little vengeful and cheaky myself. maybe just to get back at that last correction. I answered it with any other question. " well" I said,"what do you know about Maryland?" bah-duh-ching!

Yep, I'm an asshole. And the Slovak gods of hygene must've known it too because the next day i got gastrentitis acuta which is a medical condition caused by consumption of old and out-of-season cabbage that induces sever vomitting and sends your ass to the hospital. And in Slovakia the hospital isnt really like the movie Hostel, but more like the Night of the Living Dead. I swear to god i saw zombies in that place. Frightening. One doctor was there. One! and it was the emergency room. They were wheeling in stretchers from chechnya for christ's sake.

anyway, bottom line to all you American readers out there. Do a google search for Slovakia or look for it on the map so you know how much bullshit was put into the movie Hostel (and into this blog). The director hasnt even been here! If he had, the movie would have more gruesome and would have probably involved more pickled sausage. Tata for now!

Monday, January 09, 2006

My baby Borovichka

Siphoning back in the States? I just got back from the tour of the Slovak countryside. Lots of fields with the backdrop of a dramatic mountain range...All made more spectacular by the ingestion of a very strong slovak alcohol...This trip it was Malinovica, a homemade spirit...supposedly made from raspberries. Although after further questioning the bearer of this particular batch of hellfire had produced it basically by adding raspberry flavor to the Slovak equivalent of everclear. Quite a concoction, smooth at first but with the afterbite of a quart of anti-freeze. Not to toyed with, trust me.
Such liquors are in abundance in the countryside made in families backyards or at public distilleries from various fruits, like apples (jablkovica), plums (slivovica) even apricots (hruskovica) as well as juniper, used to produce the dreaded and loved borovichka. My brothers can attest to the just wrong taste of borovichka but the strength and power of borovichka to render man intoxicated and limp from the waist down-feet, legs, cock and all, is a fate that they have not come to face...yet.
This liquor, considered the national drink by slovaks, can also be used as an anesthetic, paint thinner as well as terpentine and lawnmower fuel. I however have only used it in its primary function and anesthetic (I am in fact a certified slovak dentist).
The stuff is for some heaven in a bottle and for others a baseball bat to the face. I love the stuff, some people gag at its mention. In fact this is a way you can distingush between a czech person and a slovak person. Simply mention the stuff to a czechoslovak and its clear. A slovak's eyes will light up in glee at any suggestion of consuming it. A czech will generally shudder, his mind racked by images of piss-drunk slovaks parading around.
As a slovak dentist, I encourage you to make up your own mind and get my brother to share some with you...I had a shot with him just ot introduce it to him. I dont think hes touched it since...which is a testiment to the bat-to-face comment.
Though make sure you dont have any obligations the next day. The stuff seeps out your pores the next day such that others around you may suffer sudden lapses of memory and common sense. You'll feel fine though, I can say with confidence as a practicing Slovak dentist, the stuff somehow rarely induces a may be a little tired but headache, no, assache, nada, musclecramps and general discomfort, nope. so enjoy it...I do as do my clients
With love and bad breath from the SR

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

To Chuckles

Whats up dude? I got the afternoon off so I sitting this internet cafe with george micheal blaring on the speakers. Its something like george michal does christmas or something...imagine my joy. What can I tell you? I am psyched today because my most frequented bus route just got a new bus. I guess that one left over from stalin's birthday wasn't up to par anymore. to give you an idea those old busses havent been scrubbed down in years, and inside them it smells strangely like, well, salami, if you can imagine that, salami being the main breakfast item here in the SR. they almost always crammed with people. especially old people. I wasnt used to seeing old people about, shoving their way onto busses, racing (shuffling more like, quickly) to get a seat. trust me, in the SR the old ladies are the fiercest creatures, next comes the swan. so I carrying on. we all got a new bus to ride. nice

Hey I saw a funny cartoon, it was these two stick figures and one of them was saying "I have nothing to say" and the other goes "get a blog"...Seems rather fitting eh? gotta go, meeting my lady in a few

First Post Live from the SR

Many of you may have no clue what the SR is. It aint Slovenia but yes I am writing now from the eastern bloc, where socialism still lingers like vodka on the breath, accompanying a thumping head and queasy innards. It's slovakia ya'll...And no I dont have any goats though my slovak family beheaded a chicken in my honor when I last arrived back from the states. Just kidding, we really are modern people over here, we just smell funny...